Shaving the Guilt

If your beard gets too long you will go insane… In a game I played? jeez!
I don’t know what it is but having to get up in the morning has a huge impact on the day. There is something about it. Simultaneously, however, I frequently struggle with getting out of bed. Yeah, I said it. I wasn’t always like that. There was a mental shift somewhere. Back in high school, what was I doing every morning? Waking up at six in the morning. I would even wake up that early on Saturdays in collage, to my roommates eternal annoyance, which was probably a big factor for why I did it.
“Why are you up so early?!” He’d ask from under his covers.
“I just don’t like wasting time.” I’d say.
Returning to present day, there is somewhere, lurking in my subconscious, that person who was both positive and punctually awake: what the heck changed?
A couple of school assignments should send someone to their polar-opposite. It was something more than that. But I wouldn’t know for years.
Just today I was sleeping in, had rejected a proposal to hang out, and was dreading a trip to the bakery with yet another friend. I had changed so drastically yet was suffering internally because I had all the same dreams but my expectations had shifted.
Finally getting to the shower, shaving a very lame and haggerd face, I contemplated my dreary fate. “What changed, bro?” Life was slowly loosing meaning.
“Don’t be afraid to take that time for yourself.” Said a friend soothingly. “Be that Meth addict.” Said another with surprising resonance. Disclaimer: That was a Breaking Bad reference. Don’t do drugs.
I’d slumped into a couch, trying to not be noticed. Two friends came up to me. That’s the worst, when you know people notice you aren’t well. Lion tamers would not look into my eyes the way they did. That is what it takes. The helped me sooth my troubled mind. I realized I could do what I was doing. But I could blame myself for it. I’d have to learn how to become one with my emotions. Not objectifying their validity or my sanity.
If you decide you are crazy then every thought after that decision becomes a negative force in your thinking. You tear yourself down. It doesn’t help. Try to notice if you have decided you are crazy. Invalid. Worthless. You’ll save yourself the trouble of shaving off guilt instead of just a beard.


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